


A Stupid Little Crush On You

by A_A_Inc



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Just mostly a lot of angst, M/M, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, So much angst, conversion therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 01:19:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9469157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_A_Inc/pseuds/A_A_Inc
Summary: “I do believe that you were right. That was aterribleidea.” Pidge looked at him frostily over their glasses. “What was a terrible idea, Shiro? Challenging Lance over his biggest insecurity? Cornering Lance like a wounded animal? Not paying attention to the very clear warning signs that Lance is so far past okay that he was liable to break at any moment? Not listening to the people who know him best? Which part of that sounds like a bad idea to you?”Alternatively:Keith and Lance are both really gay, bad at communication, and hurt. And Shiroreallyisn't helping. A story told partly in snapshots.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for someone (you know who you are) and it turned out much angstier and sadder than I anticipated. I might write another thing for them in this vein as an apology, because this is much heavier than I meant it to be.
> 
> In other news, I don't have too much experience with homophobic family, so if I fucked this up majorly, please let me know. 
> 
> Enjoy, I think.

          Lance had never liked looking at things he could never have. He had been this way for _almost_ as long as he could remember. At first, it had been from walking by the windows of toy stores, begging his mother to stop, so that he could go inside and look around, or get what had caught his eye in the window. Then it was from clothing stores, when she would purse her lips and shake her head after looking at the items he had selected and tell him to pick some to put back. Then it was from the cafés and restaurants they passed, the ones that smelled so good, or made the best pancakes, or hot chocolate, or smelled the best. And then it was boys.

          The first time he’d noticed that his best friend, Jake, was hot, he’d written it off as a best friend-ly observation. He’d been encouraging him to go talk to the girl he liked, insisting that she wasn’t out of his league, finally giving him a shove. “C’mon, you’re hot! Go talk to her!” Jake had laughed and capitulated, going over to ask her out. Lance had laughed as well, and only realized as Jake walked away that he had meant what he said. He thought Jake was hot. He shook his head. Jake had girls fawning over him left and right, Jake’s hotness level was simply a fact. He had only been encouraging him. (He couldn’t find a way to explain away the bitter jealousy he felt later, when he saw the two of them together, or Jake talked about what their next date was going to be, so he just ignored it. He felt a bitter satisfaction when, a month later, at the end of seventh grade, they broke up because she was moving away.) Two and a half years later, Lance was still apparently single (he wasn’t, but neither he nor his boyfriend were out to anyone), and hadn’t ever dated any girls, and Jake had started asking him what was up. “Come on! Go ask Bree out! She’s hot, and she totally wants you!” Lance shook his head. “I’m not you, that’s not really my style, y’know? Asking a chick out just to fuck her.” Jake looked at him. “What, you gay or something?” Lance hesitated, then nodded.

          (He would later find out, in a letter from Jake that he got at the conversion therapy camp, that Jake had told Lance’s parents. When he came back, he acted fine, but he was broken and insecure inside. Jake tried to befriend him again, but Lance just shut him, and everyone else, out, and pushed harder for his only chance of escape. He had to get into The Garrison.)

          Keith was used to hiding. His mothers would have been fine with him being gay, he knew that, because otherwise it would be hypocritical, but he hadn’t had a chance to tell them before they’d died. So he was shipped off from foster home to foster home. He tried his best to keep his head down, to stay out of the way, but inevitably something went wrong, and he had to leave again. But in due time, he worked his way to the top, and then to somewhere he didn’t have to hide. The Garrison.

          Lance was jealous of Keith. He was everything Lance wanted, everything he wanted to be, and he didn’t even seem to appreciate it. He was relaxed, he was smart, he was loved by everyone, and most of all, he didn’t seem to care what anybody thought of him. Sure, Lance was smart, and sure, Lance was capable, but he wasn’t where he needed to be. He wasn’t the best. He wasn’t ever good enough. Not good enough for himself, not good enough for his family, not good enough to be himself. He just had to push harder, be faster, stronger, more capable. Then he could have what he wanted and nobody could tell him he didn’t fight for it, or deserve it, or that it- _he-_ was wrong. He began to work himself to the very edge of what was possible, doing more  than was healthy. But he had to keep up the façade that he was _fine_ and that _this is easy_ to keep them from knowing. So he convinced Hunk, his roommate, to sneak out with him occasionally, and waited until Hunk was asleep to study.

          Keith was doing well at The Garrison. He was the best in all his classes. His mentor, a kind person named Shiro, was proud of him, like family, like a big brother, like Keith _belonged_ here. The thought made his head spin.

          Kerberos.

          Keith looked down at the newspaper in his shaking hands, his eyes flying over the front page again and again and again. It couldn’t be true. Shiro, the closest thing he’d had to a real family since the accident… He couldn’t be… It wasn’t pilot error, Shiro is too good to make a mistake like that! He was walking purposely towards the office before he even knew he was standing.

          Lance stared at the front page in shock. “Hunk… Hunk the Kerberos team…” His voice trailed off. “They’re saying it was pilot error. But… That team… Shiro’s too good for pilot error.” Hunk gently pried the newspaper from his hands and read it. “Lance, I know you idolize him, but everyone makes mistakes. Come on. Let’s get breakfast.”

          Keith paced around the deserted shack. Nothing. It had been months, and all he had was a big fat pile of nothing.

          “Come on, Pidge! Have some fun! We haven’t had pizza in forever!” “No, Lance. I’m not sneaking out to get pizza. I don’t want to get caught.” “But it’s team bonding!” “No!”

          “Shiro?” “Nope. No, you - No, no, no. No, you don't. I'm saving Shiro.” “Who are you?” “Who am I? Uh, the name's Lance. We were in the same class at the Garrison.” “Really? Are you an engineer?” “No, I'm a pilot! We were like rivals. You know, Lance and Keith, neck and neck.” “Oh, wait. I remember you. You're a cargo pilot.” “Well, not anymore. I'm fighter class now, thanks to you washing out.” “Well, congratulations.” “Oh, man. They're coming back and they do not look happy. We've got to go. Uh, do you mind if we catch a ride with you?”

          They’d had a bonding moment. An honest-to-god bonding moment. Lance was panicking. _What if Keith figured it out? What if Keith_ told _the rest of the team? What if they all decided that he needed to leave team Voltron?_ He sauntered down to his lion to bond with her, or at least to hide from the rest of the team so they would never find out he wasn’t fine. Because he was. Fine. He was fine. He sat up in the cockpit and closed his eyes, trying to silence the voice inside, pushing down the panic. Blue pushed a distressed feeling towards him. She was concerned. Scared for him. He exhaled and opened his mind to her, figuring that she could at least help him get calm. He laid his hands down gently on her smooth, metallic dash, and steadied his breathing, allowing her to watch him pack away and seal off his feelings of panic tightly. He allowed his mind to quiet, breathing in and out slowly, and when his mind was finally silent, finally empty, he opened his eyes again. Blue offered him her feelings of comfort, and he settled back, letting her tell him stories of wide open oceans and calm and peace.

          Keith frowned at the training bot, pushing all thoughts of Lance forcefully from his mind. After two more failed attempts of defeating it, he called out. “End training sequence.” Then groaned in frustration. He was distracted, he couldn’t focus, and it was all Lance’s goddamn fault. He remembered the exact intonation of his voice, the look on Lance’s face of pure panic, _or was it disgust?_ that had flitted briefly across Lance’s face, before his features had smoothed out into that _infuriating_ expression of nonchalance. Then he had changed the subject. What was so distasteful about Keith that Lance didn’t want to even be _imagined_ cradled in his arms? _“We had a bonding moment. I cradled you in my arms!” “Nope. Don't remember, didn't happen. So, what happened to Sendak?”_ The back-and-forth played through his mind on repeat. He groaned again. He grabbed his towel and jacket off of the space near the door, and walked to his bathroom to go shower. The _last_ thing he needed was to accidentally run into Shiro, and have him go all actual space dad on him.

          Keith gritted his teeth as he watched Lance flirt with Nyma. He _knew_ Lance was straight, goddamnit! Did he really need such a blatant reminder? He turned away, busying himself with something to try and cool the ache in his chest. _Why did he have to be in love with the straightest paladin?_

          Lance forced himself to smile brightly at her. Sure, he thought Allura was beautiful, he wasn’t a blind idiot, but he didn’t really want to be winking at her. He didn’t really want to be anything more than a friend to her, but he had to keep everyone fooled. At least Allura didn’t flirt back, like Nyma had. He’d been more than glad to end up cuffed to a tree instead of trying to bullshit his way out of making out with her, or something. It hadn’t been _pleasant_ by any means, but the thought of getting handcuffed to a tree and getting his lion stolen didn’t send nearly the same magnitude of nausea jolting through his system as the idea of making out with a girl did, no matter who he imagined.

          When he approached his lion, she sent him a feeling of concern, noticing that his emotions were especially volatile today. He placed his hand on her nose, and then put his forehead against it. She allowed him to feel through her, her feelings of the pride of having such a strong paladin, of the happiness when she saw him approach, of the love _(philia, she specified)_ that she felt for him, and of the respect she held for his caring, nurturing nature. In return, he showed her the respect he had for her silent strength, for her kindness, and for her giving nature. He showed her the feeling of home he felt with her, the feeling of being safe and warm and at peace with the world. He thanked her for offering him shelter from the anguish of having to hide himself from everyone but her, and the trust he felt, knowing that she would always keep him safe. When he walked into the cockpit and sat down, he smiled a gentle, private smile, one just for her. Then he stretched and opened communications with the other paladins, letting the soft smile transform into a sharp smirk. “So, mullet boy. It seems like you aren’t sure how you’re going to handle losing to me in the how-many-galra-ships-can-your-lion-destroy contest.” He could practically feel Blue roll her eyes at him disappointed.

          Keith snorted hostilely at Lance’s comment. “No, I think you’re just projecting. What’s with your obsession with my hair?” Lance bristled, alarmed. “I’m not obsessed with your stupid hair, Keith.” Keith smirked, sniping cruelly. “Then why do you always talk about it, huh? It’s like you’ve got some kind of stupid little crush on me.” Lance panicked, and injected every ounce of disgust he could find into his words. “What! I do not have some stupid crush on you, Keith! I’m not gay, stupid! Besides, even if I _was_ why would I be attracted to you?” Lance cut himself off before he could say something stupid. Well, more stupid. Keith breathed deeply, trying to keep himself from yelling, or crying, or doing something totally stupid, like outing himself to the team. He cut the comm signal instead, and let out a frustrated shout, letting a couple tears fall down his cheeks. Red reached out to him, trying to remind him that he had a battle to fight, and that he could come to her later, but Keith pushed her concern away sharply, and went back into the battle with more vigour and anger than before. Luckily, they didn’t end up needing to form Voltron, because Keith wasn’t sure he would have been able to open himself up to Lance’s mind so soon after he said something homophobic like that. He was the last one to fly back into the castle, and he stayed with Red to bond and be miserable after (so that he could avoid Lance). As soon as Red told him that everyone was out of the hangar, he broke down sobbing violently, sliding out of the pilot’s chair and down onto the floor.

          After several calming hours spent with Red, she told him that Shiro was here to talk to him. He reluctantly exited his lion, dreading the conversation to come, but didn’t walk very far away. He wanted to keep the calming presence of his lion with him in his mind for as long as he could, so he let Shiro approach him as he leaned back against his lion. Shiro stopped, facing him. “Hey Keith. I’ve been looking for you for a while. You missed dinner.” Keith nodded, but he didn’t say anything. Shiro waited for a few seconds before continuing. “Are you okay?” Keith silently shook his head, sliding down into the fetal position, back against his lion. Shiro smoothly sat down, crossing his legs, his posture open. “Are you going to tell me about it?” Keith shrugged, resolutely staring somewhere over and beyond Shiro’s left shoulder. Shiro studied him for a moment, taking in his tear-red eyes, the salt crusting his cheeks, his blank-slate expression. “Is it what Lance said?” Keith inhaled slowly, nodding as tears filled his eyes. He tried to blink his tears back, but instead they tumbled down his face.

          Shiro let Keith have a moment, and that was all it took for Keith to break down sobbing again. “H-he just sounded so- so _disgusted,_ you know? I- I don’t understand! Is there something wrong with me? Why does he hate me, Shiro? He was talking about being gay like it was the worst thing on the planet, and I-” A choking sob took the place of whatever words he’d been about to say. Shiro gently put his hand on Keith’s knee, granting him silent support. Keith took a shuddering breath, trying to build up the courage to say the words he needed to. _“I’m gay, Shiro. I’m gay, and Lance is homophobic, and he hates me and he doesn’t even know I’m gay!”_ Shiro, to his credit, masked his surprise fairly quickly. “It’s okay, Keith. I won’t let him touch you, okay? Do you want me to talk to him? Ask him not to be a bigoted asshole?” Any other time, Keith might have laughed at the fact that Shiro swore. It was something he rarely did, and never casually. Instead, he simply looked up at Shiro through watery eyes and nodded. Shiro engulfed him in a hug, and they sat there on the floor of the hangar like that until Keith was able to stop crying.

          Shiro walked through the ship like a man on a mission. He walked into the rec room, where he expected to find Lance, but he only saw Hunk and Pidge, talking quietly. “Have either of you seen Lance?” They looked up at him. Hunk spoke first. “If this is about what he said to Keith, you should not talk to him right now. We have already had that discussion with him.” Shiro shook his head. “I have to talk to him. Is he in his room?” Pidge flat out glared at him. “You shouldn’t talk about what you don’t know, okay? He needs to be left alone.” Shiro frowned at them and walked out, intent on finding Lance. When he did find the blue paladin, it wasn’t in his room, as he had expected. Lance was sitting on one of the observation decks with the lights off, staring out into space. Shiro cleared his throat. “Lance?” Lance shifted, looking down at something in his hands, but he didn’t acknowledge the elder paladin. Shiro took another step forward, and placed his hand on Lance’s shoulder. “Lance.” Lance looked at him, eyes red. “What, you want to know too? Want to know what I was thinking? Want to tell me what I said was wrong? I _know, okay?_ I know. Allura and Coran have both already yelled at me, separately. I don’t need to hear it again from you. I know.” Shiro frowned at him. “He’s really hurt.” Lance looked down at what was in his hands. “Yeah. I figured. That’s usually what someone who’s going AWOL during dinner feels.” Shiro frowned more deeply at Lance. “Knowing what you said isn’t okay doesn’t make things better, Lance. You should go apologize to him at some point. Maybe not today, but soon. You need to make things right.”

          Lance turned to him sharply, throwing Shiro’s hand off his shoulder. “You think,” his voice was quiet with anger, and he spat out the words like they burned him, and Shiro flinched. “You think that an apology is going to make things better?” His voice was white-hot with fury. “You think that an _apology,_ a tiny little sentence, is going to fix this?” His voice was getting stronger, but it stayed quiet. “You think that _they_ didn’t apologize to me?” He gestured to the thing in his hand, which turned out to be a photo of Lance’s family. “Do you _really, really_ think that they didn’t _try_ that? That they didn’t apologize for what they said to me? For what they did to me? For what they let those stupid people who call themselves _therapists_ do to me? An apology isn’t going to cut it, _Shiro._ And I know that far better than you do.”

          Shiro squared his stance, but when he spoke, it was calm and his voice was level. “Why should I believe that you didn’t mean every word of what you said to Keith? There are plenty of people out there who can say awful, hurtful things and mean every word, and then turn around and look apologetic, Lance.”

          Lance looked Shiro dead in the eyes. “You act like I haven’t heard those people before. Newsflash, Shiro, my _best friend_ outed me to my parents. And you know what they did? Well I’ll give you a hint. They didn’t _accept_ me. They didn’t say _‘Oh Lance, of course we still love you, even if you’re gay,’_ they _shipped me off to a six month conversion therapy rehab center,_ and while I was there, I got a letter from my best friend, the one who _outed me_ to my highly homophobic parents saying he was _glad I was getting better!”_ He panted for a moment, trying to catch his breath. _“Fuck you, Shiro, if you think that my parents didn’t apologize for sending me there. They said it was for my own good. So trust me when I say that a goddamn apology isn’t going to cut it.”_ Lance pushed past Shiro, leaving him shell-shocked in his wake. When he reached the door, he paused. “And you know what, Shiro? They really believe that they did the right thing.” Then he was gone, letting the door hiss quietly shut behind him.

          Shiro walked slowly over to the rec room. Once he saw for sure that Hunk and Pidge were there, and that it was _only_ them in there, he walked in. “I do believe that you were right. That was a _terrible_ idea.” Pidge looked at him frostily over their glasses. “What was a terrible idea, Shiro? Challenging Lance over his biggest insecurity? Cornering Lance like a wounded animal? Not paying attention to the very clear warning signs that Lance is so far past okay that he was liable to break at any moment? Not listening to the people who know him best? Which part of that sounds like a bad idea to you?” Hunk just refused to even look at him.

          Shiro just let his shoulders slump, defeated. Pidge spoke again, but not with quite the same biting tone as before. “None of us knew him before, so we don’t know what he was like before a bunch of conservative dicks took his personality apart systematically, piece by piece, and taught him to hate himself, taught him that he wasn’t good enough, taught him that what he wanted was wrong. He’s _hurt,_ Shiro. And there’s not much we can do about it.” Shiro breathed in and out in measured breaths. “I didn’t have any idea. He’s always so…” He waved his hand in the air in lieu of a better explanation. “Happy?” Hunk supplied. “Flirtatious? Joking?” Shiro nodded. “He just didn’t want us to know. Any of us.”

          Lance fled towards the hangar, breaking down into tears. He just didn’t want to deal with anybody anymore. They were all so disappointed in him. He’d let them all down. He _just wasn’t good enough._ He shouldn’t have snapped at Shiro, and he wouldn’t have if he had been stronger. If he was a better person he wouldn’t have said _that_ to Keith. If he was smarter, he could have just said something funny instead. He just wasn’t enough of anything but an asshole. He walked into the hangar sobbing. He didn’t notice Keith, still sitting outside his lion, startling and staring at him as he crossed the hangar to where Blue sat.

          He fell to his knees, sobbing in front of her. “I- I’m sorry, Blue! You don’t deserve such a shitty paladin! I’m so sorry that I disappointed you, that I disappointed everybody!” Keith let himself morbidly entertain the thought of using this for blackmail material for several seconds too long. “It’s just like I’m _there_ again Blue! All I can hear is them telling me what to say! Blue, I-” his body was wracked with sobs too violently to continue for a few seconds. When he did continue, it was in a whisper that carried across the hangar easily, as if it were meant to. “Why is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal, like everybody else? Why do I have to be so fucked up? It’s not like I went to war, or got held captive, my family still loves me, even if they sent me to conversion therapy, at least I have them.” Keith sucked in a gasp silently. _Conversion therapy?_ Lance stiffened.

          Clearly, Keith hadn’t been as quiet as he’d thought.

          “Allura? Coran? Shiro? Can you just leave me alone? I don’t-” his voice broke pitifully. “I don’t need to be yelled at again. I- I just need some time to put myself back together. I promise I’ll go apologize after, even if it doesn’t work. Can you just give me this?” Keith looked at the sobbing mess that was Lance. His body was still shaking, and he looked so pushed down. He cleared his throat. “It’s not any of them.” Lance jumped to his feet, breathing quickly, his voice full of false brightness. “Oh, hi, Keith! Sorry, I can just get out of your way, would you mind forgetting whatever you just heard? I was just rambling, it was just meaningless garbage-” Keith cut him off. “Lance. I’m sorry that happened to you.” Lance faked a bright smile at him. “What happened? Nothing bad has ever happened to me. I’m the golden boy of my family, everybody loves me!” Keith frowned. “Cut the crap, Lance. I’ve been sitting in here since before you walked in. You were too busy crying to notice that I was here.” Lance deflated. “I guess you heard all of that then, huh.” Keith nodded, and Lance sighed.

          “I guess that means I should tell you the rest of the story. I’m gay, I lived in the south, and I came out to my ultra-homophobic best friend, who outed me to my parents, and they sent me to a conversion therapy rehab center for six months. They still love me, and they thought it would be good for me. No harm, no foul, am I right?” Keith balked. “That sounds pretty harmful, Lance. Especially if it’s still hurting you.” Lance sunk down onto the floor. “I’m sorry I said that shit to you. Really. I know that apologizing doesn’t make the hurt go away, no matter how many times I tell you I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, because I did something truly horrible and inexcusable. Just- please don’t hurt me much, alright? I know I deserve it, but I’m already kind beaten down from Allura and Coran and Shiro telling me what they think.”

          Keith blinked at Lance, startled. “They yelled at you?” Lance looked away. “Yeah. They really care about you, you know? They were so upset that I hurt you. That I caused you to put yourself in danger. Y-you couldn’t see it, but you could have been killed. It was my fault that you were being reckless, and so yeah, they yelled at me.” Keith stood and walked over to Lance, settling on the floor next to him. “I’m not dead.” Lance snorted. “Yeah, but you might have been. You wouldn’t have been in so much danger if I was smart enough and strong enough to keep a handle on my stupid mouth and my stupid words, and my stupid crush on you. So I guess you hit that nail on the head, huh. It really is like I’ve got some kind of stupid little crush on you.” Lance looked away. “Guess that’s why that got to me so bad.” Keith looked at him, his heart skipping beats. “You do?” Lance nodded. “Lance, look at me, please.” Lance slowly raised his eyes from the floor to look at Keith. Keith smiled and said, “Lucky for me, then,” and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun thing! When Blue says she feels philia for Lance, she's referring to the greek concept of that kind of love, summarized by wikipedia as follows, "Philia (φιλία philía) means "affectionate regard, friendship," usually "between equals." It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. In his best-known work on ethics, Nicomachean Ethics, philia is expressed variously as loyalty to friends (specifically, "brotherly love"), family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity" so that's what she means. I hope this was moderately enjoyable to read?


End file.
